My Supreme Dislike of Autism.

This week has been tough. I won't lie. I won't sugar coat it. I've escaped into the recesses of my room more than once this week to find some peace. Ugh. Regression. BIG TIME regression. I've been noticing it more and more the last couple of weeks, but what do I do? Cohen seems to be having some sort of reaction to some type of food, but can I figure out what it is? Nope. I don't even know where to begin.

It's heart breaking. It's so hard to hear his swimming teacher say "Cohen...Cohen...COHEN". I can't even get his attention. She's had to save him more than once because he just jumps right in the pool all because he's gotten away from me and I couldn't catch him in time. Even getting his attention at home is impossible. Lately we will be walking, and he will all of a sudden stop, contort his body and scream "LOOLOOLOO!" at the top of his lungs. The constant repeating of the same phrases from SpongeBob over and over again. It's as if he can't talk about anything else. His life and experiences are all compared to what he sees on the TV. Then of course there is the flexing. I have tried so many things to get him to stop. My last resort now is a weighted vest. That is the only thing I can think of that will help him.

I've been reading a book called "Tilt" by Elizabeth Burns. There are some really good passages in here that really explain what I'm feeling lately. My first one is found on the cover actually. It says:

"every family spins on its own axis"

There is so much truth in those words.

"Listen. We're wrestling with a God who asked us to step onto the mat. We're bargaining with a deity who's pulled aside the curtain and peered right into our souls. There are no secrets left. We're just here, breathing or gasping. We have no Doctor Spock for the Disabled. We have specialized hand-books depending on the syndrome; we have grief manuals; we have missives of inspiration. But nothing sticks, nothing solves, nothing answers the big questions."

I cried when I read that part because it is SO TRUE.

"And then when I was leaving she said to me, 'I think those of us whose children develop normally never know what it's like to love the way you do. Your heart has to stretch.' Mother, I just cried and told her she made my day."

Seriously.

I know we will get over this little bump in our road of life eventually, but as of right now, I'm worn out, but there is a peace in knowing that through all this Cohen and I will emerge just that much stronger to face the next hurdle.