Hard Times:

This post is very personal and actually really hard to write, but I kind of wanted to let people know what was going on with me so they could understand.

About 4 months ago, things at Mitch's work were not going well (not any fault of his own) and it started looking like things weren't going to last. Now most people who know me know that I can roll with the punches pretty good, but for some reason I was not bouncing back from this one. I started to have a lot of headaches and crying spells. I had been having a lot of problems with my sinuses so I went to an ENT who diagnosed me with an enlarged turbinate and eustacian tube dysfunction. Yay. It was easy to deal with although having a constant stuffy ear is never any fun. They did a CT of my sinuses and all was clear.

A few days later I started having a pain in the back of my head that wasn't going away, and the crying spells were getting worse. As in, I couldn't get off the couch and could barely take care of the kids worse. So I made an appointment with one of the local doctors who told me I had an anxiety disorder and put me on 20 mg of Prozac. The first night I was on that drug I was walking the house until 3 a.m. crying, scratching my skin until it was bleeding and not sleeping. So Mitch sat up with me and helped me to try and calm down.

I was on that drug for three weeks until it got way worse. I had lost 7 pounds, was very shaky and had even more anxiety than before. Then the "itch" started. It felt like an itch in my brain and it was driving me crazy. I couldn't function. The "itch" was basically consuming me. There was a day when Mitch had to come home and take care of the kids so that I could lock myself in my room and sleep it off in a Xanax induced coma. I called my doctor and he told me to just stop the medication cold turkey. Not smart. Less than a week later it happened again, this time I was on the verge of taking a knife to my head so that I could get the "itch". It scared Mitch enough that he ended up taking me to the emergency department. They did a full check of my blood and a CT scan of my brain. All normal. I was going through Prozac withdrawl AND on top of it all I am "allergic" to it.

I finally had had enough of this, so I made an appointment with a doctor in SLC who had done a lot of research on SSRI's and the like. He spent an hour with me. Read my CT reports said I did not have MS or a brain tumor (thank heavens!) and told me that I needed to get on something else. He also had me do a type of test that showed that I had a very high suicide risk and needed help. So he tapered me off Prozac while putting me on Lexapro and then gave me Klonopin to help with the constant anxiety I was feeling.

At this point things at Mitch's work had basically ended and he was able to stay home with me and help me with the kids. He was such a huge help during this time. He was just letting me sleep as much as I needed and was very understanding. Unfortunately, the Lexapro made me act like a zombie. I showed no emotion, I felt no emotion and I just sat there on my couch not doing much of anything. So back to the doc we went. Luckily, with the Prozac out of my system and the Lexapro doing it's job, I was no longer a high suicide risk although it's always there. He diagnosed me with "situational depression". He took me off the Lexapro and put me on Celexa which seems to work very well. Now if any of you know my life, you know we have moved...a lot. I guess it had finally taken it's toll. It's hard to admit this, and it's hard for me to "see" myself like this, but I'm glad that I'm getting "better". Situational depression can last anywhere from 3 months to a year. He told me I'm probably going to be on this medication for a year.

I've received many blessings and have been on my knees a lot and I know that I'm not alone during this trial of my life. I'm so thankful for my husband (who at this moment is mooning me and dancing around) who stepped up to the plate and played Mom and Dad for a good two months all while trying to keep his own emotions in check and trying to find a new job. I'm also thankful for my Zumba class and all my students and boss who were there to support me and helped me forget about my problems three times a week. I'm thankful for the Pilates classes that helped to get me out of bed every morning and get going on my day. I'm thankful for supportive friends who stood by me and offered a listening ear and would take my kids any time I needed them to. Most of all I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who helped keep me going even in my most darkest moments. I know this trial will just make me stronger and more sensitive towards those that are going through something like this. Lastly, I'm thankful towards both my moms, my dad and step-dad who all called me daily to check on me just to see how I'm doing.